We Read Your First Pages So You Don't Have To Guess
First Page Feedback: Charlotte's Hunt for Glory
Beth and Lisa critique the opening page of a middle grade fantasy submission and pull out craft lessons for any writer working on those critical first pages.
The Submission
Charlotte's Hunt for Glory follows 12-year-old Charlotte through a morning routine steeped in grief for her late grandmother and sibling envy — anchored by a rich exploration of Black hair as identity.
What's Working
- A strong, warm first-person voice with real overall potential
- Efficient emotional layering: grief, envy, and identity all on page one
- Small character moments (sticking her tongue out at the mirror) that do big work
What to Work On
- No fantasy signal. MG fantasy readers expect an early hint of the fantastical — even one small touch. It needs to appear quickly.
- The "why now" test. Nothing distinguishes this morning from any other. Signal that this day changes everything (or something).
- Too much telling. The sister and family dynamics can be revealed through action and dialogue rather than description.
- Watch the clichés. Cascading down her back and stab of envy undercut an otherwise fresh voice.
Craft Takeaways
- Every sentence in your opening must earn its place — if it's not doing work, cut it.
- Most writers warm up in their first chapter. In revision, the real story usually starts later than you think.
- Don't delete cut material — save it. It may fit somewhere else (and if it doesn't, that's okay too).
Author
Beth McMullen is the author of the Mrs. Smith’s Spy School for Girls series , the Lola Benko, Treasure Hunter series, and The Secret of the Storm series (Aladdin/S&S).
She is also the author of the Spy Mom series (Hyperion).
Beth lives in Northern California with her husband, kids, and very grumpy cats. She's obsessed with podcasts and might give up writing in order to have more time to listen. Could happen.
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